It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
