Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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