Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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