I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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