Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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