smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
