he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
