uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
