You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
