it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
