did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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