Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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