I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hippo gnu deer
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
