Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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