Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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