I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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