I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
