dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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