i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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