tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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