I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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