"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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