I don't usually arrange sex via text message
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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