Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
