between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
