i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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