why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
