Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
