Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
