i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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