He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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