I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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