Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
