I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize