I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
