hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
