I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
