So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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