Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
