Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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