i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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