Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
