I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
