Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
