In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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