i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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