Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
