"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize