It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
