That's intense
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
