If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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