A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
