i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
