im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
