sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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