Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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