Your dad touched me again.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
