I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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