think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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