now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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