Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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